A rabbit one day
managed to break free from the laboratory where
he had been born and brought up. As he scurried
away from the fencing of the compound, he felt
grass under his little feet and saw the dawn
breaking for the first time in his life. "Wow,
this is great," he thought. It wasn't long
before he came to a hedge and, after squeezing
under it he saw a wonderful sight: lots of other
bunny rabbits, all free, having fun and nibbling at the lush
grass.
Hey," he called. "I'm a rabbit from the
laboratory and I've just escaped. Are you wild
rabbits?"
"Yes. Come and join us," they cried. Our friend
hopped over to them and started eating the
grass. It tasted so good, unlike his tasteless
food he grew up with. "What else do you wild
rabbits do?" he asked. "Well," one of them said.
"You see that field there? It's got carrots
growing in it. We dig them up and eat them."
This he couldn't resist and he spent the next
hour eating the most succulent carrots. They
were wonderful. Later, he asked them again,
"What else do you do?"
"You see that field there? It's got lettuce
growing in it. We eat them as well." The lettuce
tasted just as good and he returned a while
later completely full. "Is there anything else
you guys do?" he asked. One of the other rabbits
came a bit closer to him and spoke softly.
"There's one other thing you must try. You see
those rabbits there," he said, pointing to the
far corner of the field. "They're girls. We shag
them. Go and try it." Well, our friend spent the
rest of the morning screwing his little heart
out until, completely knackered, he staggered
back over to the guys. "That was fantastic," he
panted. "So are you going to live with us then?"
one of them asked. "I'm sorry, I had a great
time but I can't." The wild rabbits all stared
at him, a bit surprised. "Why? We thought you
liked it here."
"I do," our friend replied. "But I must get back
to the laboratory. I'm dying for a cigarette."
Deep within a
forest, a little turtle began to climb a tree.
After hours of effort, he reached the top,
jumped into the air waving his front legs and
crashed to the ground. After recovering, he
slowly climbed the tree again, jumped, and fell
to the ground. The turtle tried again and again,
while a couple of birds sitting on a branch
watched his sad efforts. Finally, the female
bird turned to her mate. "Dear," she chirped, "I
think it's time to tell him he's adopted."
The class
assignment in composition was to write about
something unusual that happened during the past
week. Little Irving got up to read his. "Papa
fell in the well last week - " he began. "Good
heavens," shrieked Mrs. Kroop, the teacher. "Is
he all right now?" "He must be," said little
Irving. "He stopped yelling for help yesterday."
A man went to
his doctor seeking help for his terrible
addiction to cigars. The doctor was quite
familiar with his very compulsive patient, so
recommended an unusual and quite drastic form of
aversion therapy. "When you go to bed tonight,
take one of your cigars, unwrap it, and stick it
completely up your asshole. Then remove it,
rewrap it, and place it back with all the others
in such a fashion as you can't tell which one it
is. The aversion is obvious: you won't dare
smoke any of them, not knowing which is the
treated cigar." "Thanks doc, I'll try it." And
he did. But three weeks later he came back and
saw the doctor again. "What? My recommendation
didn't work? It was supposed to be effective
even in the most addictive of cases, such as
yours is!" "Well, it kind of worked, doc. At
least I was able to transfer my addiction," said
the patient. "What in the hell is that supposed
to mean?" "Well, I don't smoke cigars anymore,
but now I can't go to sleep at night unless I
have a cigar shoved up my ass..."
A man in a bar
sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself.
Approaching the friend, he comments, "You look
terrible. What's the problem?" "My mother died
in June, and left me $10,000." said the friend.
"Gee, that's tough," he replied. "Then in July,"
the friend continued, "My father died, leaving
me $50,000." The man looking concerned says,
"Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder
you're depressed." The friend continues, "And
last month my aunt died, and left me $15,000."
"Three close family members lost in three
months??? How sad!!!" "Then this month,..."
continued, the friend, "Nothing! Not a single
dime!"
A woman walks
up to an old man sitting in a chair on his
porch. "I couldn't help but notice how happy you
look," she said. "What's your secret for a long,
happy life?" "I smoke three packs a day, drink a
case of beer, eat fatty foods, and never, ever
exercise," he replied. "Wow, that's amazing,"
she said, "How old are you?" "Twenty-six."
One day, a man
walks into a dentist's office and asks how much
it will cost to extract wisdom teeth. "Eighty
dollars," the dentist says. "That's a ridiculous
amount," the man says. "Isn't there a cheaper
way?" "Well," the dentist says, "if you don't
use an aesthetic, I can knock the price down to
$60." Looking annoyed the man says, "That's
still too expensive!" "Okay," says the dentist.
"If I save on anesthesia and simply rip the
teeth out with a pair of pliers, I can knock the
price down to $20." "Nope," moans the man, "it's
still too much." "Well," says the dentist,
scratching his head, "if I let one of my
students do it, I suppose I can knock the price
down to $10." "Marvelous," says the man, "book
my wife for next Tuesday!"
One afternoon,
a man was riding in the back of his limousine
when he noticed two men eating grass by the road
side. He ordered his driver to stop and he got
out to investigate. "Why are you eating grass?"
he asked one man. "We don't have any money for
food," the poor man replied. "Oh, come along
with me then." the man from the limousine said
excitedly. "But sir, I have a wife with two
children!" "Bring them along! And you, come with
us too!" he said to the other man. "But sir, I
have a wife with six children!" the second man
answered. "Bring them as well!" So, they all
climbed into the car, which was no easy task,
even for a vehicle as large as the limousine.
One of the poor fellows expressed his gratitude,
"Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all
of us with you." The rich man replied, "No,
thank you... the grass at my place is about
three feet tall and I could use the help!"
A blind man was
traveling in his private jet when he detected
something was wrong. He made his way to the
cockpit and got no response from his pilot. The
blind guy then found the radio and started
calling the tower. "Help! Help!" The tower came
back and asked, "What's the problem?" The blind
guy yelled, "Help me! I'm blind... the pilot is
dead, and we're flying upside down!" The tower
comes back and asked, "How do you know
you're upside down?" "Because the shit is
running down my back!"
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